Jokes

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers.
The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a truck driver."

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Terrible Smell
Keli took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am on my own."
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".
Off they went, She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; that terrible smell, can you smell it?"
"Smell it? HELL LADY, I'M SITTING IN IT".

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"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."

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A l little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair
cut,
eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,  you're gonna get hair on
your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."  

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Mailbox
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.
I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window...
"I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

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Elvis!
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.
He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you...Thank you very much!"
==================

I was going down an elevator with three or four women, all of whom were strangers to me. At the first floor, I automatically stepped to one side to let them all off. As the last one preceded me, she turned and said, "When Women's Lib takes over, you'll get off first."
"Listen, lady," I said, smiling, "I'm a Woman's Lib-er myself. I want all women to be free."
"You do?" she said, rather astonished.
"Yes," I said. "I hate it when they charge."

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A Polish immigrant goes to the North Dakota Department of Motor Vehicles in Bismarck to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy.

==========================

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping
and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer
with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church
in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

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A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from
the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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PERSONAL ADS

Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on
the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I
can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your
hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane,
hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating,
cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed;
unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10";
over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats,
channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually;
or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

Men Seeking Women

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks
sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up
unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic,
tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.
Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense
of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF
with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with
monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile,
knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool.
SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill
Gates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEN ARE LIKE...

Men are like Vacations -- They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like Weather -- Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like Blenders -- You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like Chocolate Bars -- Sweet, smooth, and they
usually head right for your hips.

Men are like Coffee -- The best ones are rich, warm, and
can keep you up all night long.

Men are like Commercials -- You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like Department Stores -- Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like Government Bonds -- They take so long to mature.

Men are like Mascara -- They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Lava Lamps -- Fun to look at, but not very bright.

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A man hit his ball into the bunker and looked down and
saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a Genie popped out.
The Genie said, "Look, I'm very busy so I'm going to grant
you only one wish so make it good."

The man said, "I'm afraid of flying so I'd like you to build
an overseas bridge to Hawaii." The Genie said, "Do you
realize how incredibly difficult that would be. I'm
powerful but I can't do that. Make another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'd like to know how a woman's
brain works."

The Genie said, "Do you want that bridge
two lanes or four?"

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A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office
depended suddenly went down. They tried everything
but it still wouldn't work. Finally they decided to call
in a high-powered computer consultant.

He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small
hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer
leapt back to life. Two days later the office manager
received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.

Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!"

The next day the new bill arrived. It read,
Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999
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A man was walking around a new town, looking for a place
to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called "Anything You Want." A notice on the window read "We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have it, you will be paid $200."

Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went in and
sat down at a table. The waitress came over to take his
order. He said, "I'll have roast elephant on rye bread,
and hold the mayo."

She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair
and walked into the kitchen.

All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots
and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking. The kitchen
door slammed open as the owner came charging out. He put
two one-hundred dollar bills on the table, and said "I can't believe it. I've been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I've run out of rye bread!"
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"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out
of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun
in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I
correct this sentence?"

One student raised his hand and said, "Get a boyfriend?"
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOUR

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty
of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat
make a nice waving effect."
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5 REASONS COMPUTERS ARE MALE (from a female point of view)

1) They have LOTS of data, but are still clueless

2) The lights are on but nobody's home

3) A better model is just right around the corner

4) To get their attention, you have to turn them on

5) SIZE DOES MATTER

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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes,
and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that
at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that
inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a
half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't
even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as
boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can
tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I
meet and have sex with)
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YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN....

You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to
get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks"

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left
a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops
behind you.
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DIGGING UP THE PAST

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a
long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans
25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily
impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even
deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass
and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years
ago already had a nation-wide fiber network.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded
that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.

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A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while
waiting for a train. Along came a woman and seeing
the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't
they cute, what are their names?"

The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, "I
don't know."

The lady asked, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of
a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I’m just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I’m taking back to the company!"
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. He got out and worriedly looked up and down the road. After a while, a farmer came to help with his big strong horse named "Buddy" and offered to help get the car out of the ditch. The farmer hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy
didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull,
Coco, pull!" Nothing. Finally the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Lenny, pull!" And then the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer explained, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest.
They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night
sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.

"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the
universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth.
We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every
day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological
sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

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