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Resolutions for 2003
By MIKE BERMAN
Scripps Howard News Service
January 01, 2003
It's that time again, when we all reflect upon our past transgressions
and resolve to do better, be kinder and dump habits that plagued us during
the past year. So, in continuing with that holiday tradition, here are
my resolutions for 2003:
- I will restrain myself from whining about the continuing soap opera
involving Microsoft and its brooding (and growing) pack of enemies,
although rumor has it that more lawsuits loom for Uncle Bill and his
cronies.
- I will embrace spam and all it represents, never again taking its
name in vain and appreciating the endless hours it takes for spammers
to make my life a living hell.
- I will not punch, kick or otherwise try to inflict damage to my computer
despite pent-up frustration and migraine headaches that occur when trying
to get something to work the first time.
- I will refrain from bashing Uncle Bill and the Boys from Redmond
for their ineptitude in creating software or operating systems that
are so buggy, they require a dose of Raid! before being allowed free
rein on my desktop.
- I will refrain from venting my frustration with tech-support personnel,
despite their ineptitude and unfamiliarity with software, hardware and
operating systems we use on a daily basis.
- My bouts with my Internet provider will not begin until after I have
unplugged and reconnected my cable modem.
- I will attend more than one tech-related exposition, despite the
fact that I am continually repulsed by the zoo-like atmosphere and the
amazing ability of vendors to treat everyone attending like morons.
- I resolve to never again piggyback on an exhibitor's unprotected
wireless network connection to access my e-mail or surf the Net while
roaming the isles of a tech expo.
- I will no longer threaten, incite or otherwise cajole those unsuccessful
twits who try to wish me a happy new year or send me programs in e-mails
that contain viruses.
- I will try to be more sympathetic to the plight of the poor Nigerians
who continually invade my inbox with e-mails trying to scam me out of
my last dollar with pleas for help or contest entries.
- I will never again inflict verbal carnage on unsuspecting twits who
declare they've developed unique or "never before seen" computer
applications, even when I know they're direct rip-offs of other, more
efficient pieces of software.
- And, finally, I resolve to ignore all of these resolutions due to
my continual thirst for conflict and my inability to "go with the
flow"!
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